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Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003
8:56 pm - reminder

(3 wall scribblings | add to the madness)

Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
4:33 pm - #2
There is an experience I have only had a chance to experience vicariously, yet touched me deeply. I traveled to Ecuador, and I saw poverty with my own eyes. For 6 weeks I studied the language. Four of these weeks I spent teaching children. These children lived in the most run-down of neighborhoods, where electricity takes the form of a single extension cord snaking into a house that is little more than stacked cinderblocks with a flimsy tin roof. Poverty isn't fun. I know. Yet there's nothing about sub-sustenance living that an upper-middle class 17-year-old daughter of a wealthy ER physician, who has never unintentionally gone hungry and was never forced to wear the remnants of torn-out shoes, or clothes that have been passed on and on and on down the chain past any semblance of their original form, would truly understand. A girl who has never had nothing. I could pretend I even have the slightest real empathy with those children. The ones I met in Ecuador. They were happy. Genuinely happy playing among the barbed wire beneath the watchful gaze of shattered beer bottles. I was just a gift to them. A new toy. I came and signified new playthings. Candy. A deck of cards. A bracelet. A slice of pizza. A hug.

4 weeks, that's it. I showed up. Instant acceptance. Immediate love. I was forgotten just as quickly. I accept that. This does not mean I can't take much more away from the experience. I will remember their faces always. The worn, torn and abused clothing they wore that threatened to unravel at every seam. The dust that never washed fully off their faces, limbs, or bodies. The subtle effects of hunger playing across their faces, sharpening their features in an accidental manifestation of desperation. The way Andres treasured that 63-cent deck of standard playing cards. Yet the six of hearts came to pieces in his untrained hand and was unceremoniously tossed into the dirt. They love so dearly yet forget so quickly. Immediacy. A defense. Things don't last for them, so it makes sense not to hold very strongly to something intent on playing out of their reach. Attachment without the chains. Living one day to the next.

My students would occasionally disappear one day, never to return. My last day was approached in the same way as every other one had been. It occurred to me that their goodbyes were as complete every other day, as if they never quite expected me to return the next. How can you live like that? What kind of world molds an 8-year-old into a being incapable of holding onto what they little are given? These children were robbed of their ability to make real connections. They were denied not only real food, clothing, and electricity, but a future as well. They study computers in class, but have never seen one. Their worst suffering is not their lack of indoor plumbing.

And yet, when playfully asked if he would mind being smuggled to the United States in my suitcase, Andres thought intensely for a moment before replying, "For a day. Then I have to get back home."

(1 wall scribbling | add to the madness)

4:32 pm - whee!
What Was the Galileo Project, and Where Did it Go?

The Galileo Project was an alternative 9th grade created by concerned parents of Sonoma Country Day School (SCDS) 8th grade graduates. These parents found their children leaving the esteemed halls of this private day school and having no fitting private high school to attend. Thus the Galileo Project came to be. It was from the start a temporary matter. Sonoma Academy (the brand new private high school) would be operational by the time these children had incubated for another year. Due to the nature of the Galileo Project, it was necessary for only a short time, and it left behind very little documentation. Having served its purpose, it has faded into obscurity.

I chose Galileo because I was deathly afraid of high school, especially public schooling. I did not hide this fact. I wrote my entrance essay on why public school was not for me. I reasoned that a quiet, intelligent girl like myself would thrive in an environment with only 10 other students. I told them I would no longer be offered the chance to hide among my peers, but, truthfully, I did not believe my own words.

After the acceptance came the reality. I wondered what I had gotten myself into. One of our first assignments was to build the computers we would be using for the rest of the year. No Spanish teacher had been found, and I was told that French would have to do. I was handed what looked like a strange white lab coat and a white belt, and was told to get dressed for self-defense. The other 11 students (who quickly became the other 10, 9, and finally 8 students in my class) were not the ones I had imagined sharing this year with. My math book was replaced with a Geometry CD. My notes were to be transcribed on a handheld device. I was deprived of a desk, the usual rows of students, and hiding places.

As the year passed, however, I saw beyond the strangeness. I became adjusted to sitting in a circle and learning fallacies of logic rather than health. I found a personal Spanish tutor and enrolled in a junior college course. I completed my CD early, and was even a little disappointed when we moved from karate on to weight training, and eventually golf.

Where did the Galileo Project go? Our first trip was to New York City, and I was introduced to urban life. We walked everywhere. I met fashion designers and stockbrokers and Ellis Island. That winter we backpacked with Outward Bound across a snow-covered desert. With spring came Italy. I had my first taste of the language in a weeklong course in the tiny Tuscan town of Cortona. Next came the art of Florence, the canals of fading Venice, and the cathedral of Milan.

By the time the year had come to an end, a strange thing had happened: I was ready for high school. Enough of sitting in a circle, enough of babying: I couldn't wait to see the polar opposite. I planned my entrance to Healdsburg High School with as little dread as I could muster.

(1 wall scribbling | add to the madness)

Sunday, October 5th, 2003
6:46 pm - For memory purposes..
As the door closed behind her, she caught her breath. An errant shoulder grazed her bag, and her tenuous grasp on the air in her lungs loosened, leaving her without again. She censured herself. After so many years of this, daily, she had hoped she would grow accustomed to it.

Before she had noticed, life had been so much simpler. As a young child she had never feared playing the fool. She knew she was no fool; it was the others around her who acted foolishly, and this was for the sole purpose of amusing her. By the time she had reached adolescence, however, her ignorance of the outside world had faded. Her new vision not only revealed the views of others, it magnified them in a stark contrast of her formerly isolated world. This new awareness was unsettling. Until she became thoroughly used to it, she would not be free, and this freedom did not show any promise of showing up soon.

When the air had finally resumed its usual course, she had reached the car. She had managed to steer herself that far while she recovered, and probably would have been able to start the ignition and drive home in such a state if the need arose. Though it seemed odd, it had become a common occurrence. She had grown used to it, although it did have a tendency to puzzle others.

It perplexed her that, even though she had evolved thus far, her efforts at feeling at ease in the classroom had not. If she could adapt to this, why could she not adapt to other things? Why did people work to accommodate their failings rather than work to eliminate them? Because it was easier, she thought. No, it wasn't necessarily so. Somehow it was more comfortable, yet that wasn't true either. Comfortable was about the last word that came to her mind in her situation. Since everyone else slid around his or her flaws, it was simply more acceptable, she decided.

Perhaps there was something she could do, that she hadn't tried yet, so that the next time wouldn't shock her system afresh, as it was in the habit of doing. Unless she found a way to fix this, it would never cease to plague her. She tried pretending she was the confident, poised girl she was told to act. She concentrated harder, as if it would aid her. Finally, with a sigh she abandoned the thought. Once she had mastered the illusion of self-assurance, she would work on to its actuality.

(2 wall scribblings | add to the madness)

Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
7:40 pm - Yes..
It has been decided.. that my new active journal is.. *drumroll* jessk_the_mess :D So update your friends lists :) I haven't yet gottena round to adding peoples, or doing anything on that account yet really.. But add me if you'd still like to hear from me. if you don't want to hear from me.. um, you could tell me in a comment here I guess.

(add to the madness)

4:27 pm
This Song Refuses to Leave my Head *growl*Collapse )

(add to the madness)

1:01 pm
*erk* I hate it when this happens. I get home early so parents don't get suspicious (I don't know what they have to be suspicious about in the first place really) and so I have time to eat something with them before heading off to work.. and I arrive at an empty house. So now I sit huddled by myself in the middle of this huge house with my bowl of ramen. It's incredibly lonely. I wish my parents would at least warn me when they won't be home, so I can pretend I'll make plans with someone for lunch or something.. And if I decide to spend lunch at school or something I get yelled at because I didn't let anyone know.. and.. erk. Sometimes I think it'd just be easier to have a 5th period forcing me to stick around.

Read more...Collapse )

Off to work, joy.

(add to the madness)

Monday, September 8th, 2003
9:56 pm
I will sleep well tonight.. or else.

current mood: defiant

(1 wall scribbling | add to the madness)

9:06 pm - LMAO!
I'd like you to know that I am now an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church. I got my official certificate in the mail today.

I didn't really expect to get it.

Apparently it ought to count as a legal document in the eyes of the state. I can marry people, teach at church, and baptize people, and due to the way laws are set up, no one can stop me ;) Well, ok, i think I need to turn 18 or 21 first.. But still, I am a real bonafide ordained minister!

(2 wall scribblings | add to the madness)

1:59 pm - Whew..
I now have 47 pictures up at jessk.deviantart.com :) And.. I just remembered I had Italian tonight, and I've completely ignored my homework.

DeviantArt comments are getting to my head :P It's almost like lj comments, I get addicted ;)

(2 wall scribblings | add to the madness)

7:48 am - I'd like you to know..
I put my insomnia to use, and made a deviantart account. Look at my photography! That's an order. Thank you :)


(1 wall scribbling | add to the madness)

Sunday, September 7th, 2003
10:26 pm - *growl*
Insomnia sucks ass.

That is all I have to say at the moment.

(1 wall scribbling | add to the madness)

8:15 pm - Woah..
Got really tired suddenly.. Going to get some sleep.. Yay! Short day tomorrow! Mondays rock, because I have no zero period *cheers* I'll be going to school later than all of you tomorrow *gloats* ;)

Well, people who don't go to school are exempt from that last statement..

Yes.. I think sleeping is a good idea..

current mood: exhausted

(add to the madness)

7:58 pm
*giggle* The Captain Morgan Incident made me want to go listen to El Capitan (song bout the beverage) by OPM, so I did, and started talking to myself about it in the multiple aim windows I had open, and then it went to Stash Up, which Erin and I once counted over 50 fucks in, and while I was on the subject of music I lamented my past addiction to rapcore, and Juanes and his mullet somehow got in there too.

I think I scared everyone but elodie away, and she stuck around with the warning: you scare me Jesska, you really do.

*grin* This is what happens when the people I'm chatting with don't bring up topics of their own. They should know better ;)

Wow, this reminds me of 9th grade.. The memories..

current mood: nostalgic

(1 wall scribbling | add to the madness)

6:51 pm
And if you don't cooperate they'll lock your ass away
With the very fucking money that they fucking took away!

current mood: amused

(1 wall scribbling | add to the madness)

5:30 pm - hmm..
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
Describe a character in fiction, an historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.
Topic of your choice.

Which essay topic should I pick? I can't think of anything to say about any of em. *sigh*

(3 wall scribblings | add to the madness)

4:06 pm - My sister's naiveté is so amusing..
My sister and I were sent on a mission to go buy breadcrumbs, because my parents are always out to make people stare at me oddly. They're out to get me, I swear. Once I had to go buy about 10 different dairy products.. Anyways. At the store there was a big Captain Morgan rum display, with a big plastic Captain Morgan on top. Dialogue goes something like this:

Melissa: Let's take him home with us!
Me: Yeah! Kidnap Captain Morgan!
Melissa: *blink* you know his name?
Me: Well, yeah, Captain Morgan.. it's Captain Morgan. You don't know the brand?
Melissa: *defensively* I don't know anything about beer!
Me: *blink* beer? *cracks up*
Melissa: What?! I don't!
Me: It's rum, Liss. Not beer, rum.
Melissa: oh..

The song that made sure I never forgot who Captain Morgan wasCollapse )

EDIT: I am extremely disappointed in the number of people I've talked to who haven't heard of Captain Morgan. Educate Yourself!

(1 wall scribbling | add to the madness)

Saturday, September 6th, 2003
10:13 pm - *sigh*
I want the Veer T-shirt, but I don't want to order anything. Can I just pay the $20 and take it? *wishful thinking* Noo.. I have to buy a $500 cd just to get the frickin' shirt. Damn you Veer.. And your stupid "free" t-shirts that you taunt me with..


(1 wall scribbling | add to the madness)

7:47 pm - Like, oh my gawd!
``Oh I was very nervous and very shy,'' she said. ``Like honestly, just being with Madonna, she has this presence about her. ... I mean I'm a shy person in general, but I got very intimidated and I was like, not myself. I was not the confident Britney, you know?"

~Britney Spears, quoted here

(3 wall scribblings | add to the madness)

4:47 pm
Whee.. drove all the way from Cloverdale to Santa Rosa today..

Haley, it ain't what you think, I promise. I'm being a good girl :P

(1 wall scribbling | add to the madness)

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